Friday, July 22, 2011

What's the point really?

I've been away a long time. When I was in Canada for a bit, I was eating nearly perfectly. Excercising when I could and lost weight. I came home looking good and feeling good. Now I feel completely awful. I'm eating crap and hardly moving. I had to suspend my gym membership in March because I didn't have the money for it, I restarted it a couple weeks ago, and have gone twice I think. We have an eliptical in the house, but it's different and I don't like the movement of it.
Basically I'm eating junk and not moving. I'm comfort eating due to some pretty serious depression (I think) and it's not working. I'll feel good for a minute, then feel guilty. There are times when I think, what's the fucking point?? Just eat what you want. Then I feel like crap and my skin's breaking out and I realize I shouldn't be eating so much junk. Then again I need something comforting and it's a vicious circle.
I'm exhausted, dispite having, on most nights about 9 hours sleep, by 1pm I'm ready for a nap.

Part of me wants to get my act together and get back down to my low weight, and another part of me just says fuck it.

Although I haven't gained a LOT, I have probably gained 15-20lbs at least since getting back her in December. My stomach's annoying me, I can feel my theighs are bigger in my work pants, my bra's don't fit properly and in pictures especially I can see it in my face. Near on everyday I think I should get up and go on the eliptical for a little while. Lamely, I tell myself it's hardly worth changing clothes for 15-20 minutes on there, and I just don't.

I'm caught between battling mindsets. Feeling eager to move and eat right one minute and then feeling depressed and needing SOMETHING to make me feel better. I start Uni again next week and I really don't know how I'm going to get through it. I haven't got much concentration. When I start to read, I feel like I'm going to drift off to sleep.

So I'm stuck. I don't know what to do, or how to fix anything. I'm lost in my own head, hardly thinking life's worth any effort at all.

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