Plan of Attack

So it's been more than a month since I've posted, and I've not been any better.

Honestly, last year I had tons of will power and the wonderful Christmas foods hardly tempted me at all. I think my problem this year was the loss stall out recently. After working my butt off and the numbers on the scale not moving at all for weeks, I got very discouraged. My clothes didn't really seem to be fitting any differently either.

So, I felt like, what the hell, I'm not losing so why not just eat what I want? And yep, I have been. *sigh* GAH! I hate that a lot of the hard work I've done has gone down the toilet. I've not gained all I've lost, but probably half of it.

So, at this point, I'm not bothering to start now. No, it's not the 'I'll start it on Monday' thing, but I just can't see the sense in starting something right now that will require a hell of a lot of will power in a time where there are too many tempting things. It's like an recovering alcoholic who's been clean a few days going to a bar just to socialise. Not likely to work out so well.

So, My plan of attack.

Eat better, smaller portions of meat/carbs, more veggies, significantly reduce carbs, especially at night, stock up on sugar free lollies and chocolates, especially early on.

Mondays, gym or Gillian.

Tuesdays Class at gym

Wednesdays I'm at the kindy and moving all day

Thursdays gym or Gillian

Fridays gym or Gillian

Sat. Gym ?

Sun Big Gym session.

Once the weather cools down possibly some walks or hikes up Castle Hill.

These gym or Gillian (Michaels) days will depend on time available for working out and if the kids will be home or not. We have the 30 day shred which I'm probably going to focus on when at home, and a yoga one, and weights one which we might throw in there every so often.

I've gained 2 dress sized in my lower half (my boobs only fit into one size, but my stomach's gotten bigger as well). I hate having brand new clothes that I can't fit into, and have never worn because they were bought 10kg ago with the assumption I was going to lose some more and not gain. It's really the worst feeling in the world after a lot of weight loss to go and buy bigger sized clothing. Makes you feel so defeated. :(

So I know I'm just giving myself extra work by not starting now, but I think it would really just be half assed anyway.

After Christmas no excuses. Maybe not much outdoor exercise, but there is an air conditioned gym of which I am a member only a 2 min. drive away.

I've also just joined Ben Does Life's forums for exercise and weight loss. I'm out of practice with forums and feel out of place as most of them are runners and I am really not. Melanie joined and told me about it and I thought it would be a good idea, then I found myself following her around the forum like a lost puppy, and I really don't want to do that, but I felt lost. So I'm not sure how long that will last for me, but I'll give it a go. Maybe I'll find my niche.

Well that's it for today.

Stupid gain

So it's been a week since last I posted.  Melanie's been a bit quiet. She began one once, but thought her ramblings weren't interesting enough. Pft, that's pretty well what blogs are aren't they?
Anyway, So I got on the scale yesterday and I was up a kg.  Wft?  I know I know, I was sore from the gym, so could have been partly my muscles. Or the dinner I served myself the night before (I should never serve myself. I give myself too much).  I ate quickly too as I was hungry and was overfull.  Even felt sick later. *sigh* So, I'm back up a kg.  Stupid scales.
Not only this, but my knees are getting sore.  Especially when I walk or run a far distance.  I've needed to ice them and put muscle cream on them. Stupid knees.

I think that's all I'm ranting about today.  That's all I can think of right now anyway.

What's the point really?

I've been away a long time. When I was in Canada for a bit, I was eating nearly perfectly. Excercising when I could and lost weight. I came home looking good and feeling good. Now I feel completely awful. I'm eating crap and hardly moving. I had to suspend my gym membership in March because I didn't have the money for it, I restarted it a couple weeks ago, and have gone twice I think. We have an eliptical in the house, but it's different and I don't like the movement of it.
Basically I'm eating junk and not moving. I'm comfort eating due to some pretty serious depression (I think) and it's not working. I'll feel good for a minute, then feel guilty. There are times when I think, what's the fucking point?? Just eat what you want. Then I feel like crap and my skin's breaking out and I realize I shouldn't be eating so much junk. Then again I need something comforting and it's a vicious circle.
I'm exhausted, dispite having, on most nights about 9 hours sleep, by 1pm I'm ready for a nap.

Part of me wants to get my act together and get back down to my low weight, and another part of me just says fuck it.

Although I haven't gained a LOT, I have probably gained 15-20lbs at least since getting back her in December. My stomach's annoying me, I can feel my theighs are bigger in my work pants, my bra's don't fit properly and in pictures especially I can see it in my face. Near on everyday I think I should get up and go on the eliptical for a little while. Lamely, I tell myself it's hardly worth changing clothes for 15-20 minutes on there, and I just don't.

I'm caught between battling mindsets. Feeling eager to move and eat right one minute and then feeling depressed and needing SOMETHING to make me feel better. I start Uni again next week and I really don't know how I'm going to get through it. I haven't got much concentration. When I start to read, I feel like I'm going to drift off to sleep.

So I'm stuck. I don't know what to do, or how to fix anything. I'm lost in my own head, hardly thinking life's worth any effort at all.

Pissed

Sa is beyond pissed really. I gained a kilo and a half. That's a lot for the week and for everything I've been doing. I've not been overeating or eating crap. Feel like I might as well have been.
Yes, I've been working my muscles again more, but I'm not sore enough to warrant that much gain. Dinner probably contributed, but THAT much? I'm almost afraid to weigh on Wednesday. I've done more cardio in the past week than I have... probably ever in a week, and I end up gaining. It's enough to say why bother. Working your ass off and you gain.