Sunday, September 5, 2010

Giving up

I'm having a hell of a time right now. Now that I've actually got a decent nights sleep and seem to be adjusting, my mind is running away with me. I'm having doubts I can do this. I'm confused about what I should and shouldn't be eating (besides the obvious), feeling like my workouts are jokes, hardly worth the time they take... and missing my Aussie family so much.
I feel like I'm alone. I know I'm not, but with the time difference, it makes it more difficult to connect with them and I don't feel like I can be online as much as I want to be.... AND the connection keeps dropping me, so even when I am on, sometimes it kicks me off. People I have here, are either unreliable-lost in their own worlds, busy with their own families and I don't want to bug them, or not here at the moment.

Had a breakdown tonight. Lack of confidence, and feeling like what I'm doing isn't enough. Watching my Dad eat TWO caramel nut candy bars and my mom cantaloupe and some kind of meat thing AFTER dinner. I don't remember the last time I ate anything other that a little frozen yogurt after dinner. Missing my Aussies as much as I do.... I told Melanie I quit. I couldn't do it. She won. She's tried to convince me I can do it and my workouts are good b/c Jillian kicks your ass. I'll keep plodding along, but I'm not so sure it'll do anything. All I have are the roads (and it doesn't help when it's raining) a mat, hand weights and an old treadmill. I'M NOT A RUNNER! I feel like walking isn't enough, and I try to run and don't get very far.

I cried, like, really cried for the first time tonight since I got here. Then I was trying to busy myself by watching Glee, and THAT made me cry too! Stupid long lost Mommy plot!

I don't know, maybe I'll feel better tomorrow, I'm hoping I don't keep sliding downhill, I need something else. A Job would be good. I've applied to some, it's the long weekend, of course, so the earliest I'd hear anything is Tuesday. Three more days yet.


  1. Dont give up honey!!! You CAN do it!!!!
    No quitting..your not allowed!!! :P

  2. Will try. Still think you're going to win though.